TransformYourLife

Emotional healing is the process of acknowledging our childhood wounds, behavior patters and traumas which prevent us from having healthy relationships and living a whole life.We often set up therapy sessions/read self help books/hire an online coach/attend community help healing sessions and the likes to change our patterns and evoke self love.Further, we journal, spend time with nature, meditate and relax to effect faster change. After a while, the changes start to take place.Within 8-12 months, we have undone our patterns, healed our wounds and start to attract healthier relationships.We feel energized, whole and happier.We believe this change is permanent. However, oftentimes during periods of loneliness, trauma or loss, the old patterns crop up.Self love goes out of the window.Neediness, clinging, jealousy, rage, avoidance, emotional dishonesty , witholding love,codependence raise their ugly head.Negative emotions buried deep within raise their ugly head. We relapse into ol...

There was an era when those suffering from plague were considered lethal and shunned at all costs.In today’s world, the plague has been replaced by mental health.Those with anxiety, depression,bipolar/suicidal thoughts or more serious forms of mental illness and disorders like narcissistic personality disorder and schizophrenia are treated as   though they are terrorists with a bio-gene out to destroy our planet by supposedly healthy people.They are unable to form friendships,have a good social life and end up living cloistered lives from the fear of being found out.Loneliness, shame and depression become their unwanted companions. Here is how those with mental health issues can destroy the stigma around it: ·                 Understand that suffering from a mental health issue is not a bad thing (it’s not something to be guilty of like maybe killing someone)           ...

         We often see that there are some women who have a series of failed relationships .The relationship ends because the man could not commit or cheated.Each of their relationships ends due to similar reasons. The men she chose were often distant/made intermittent contact, were emotionally unavailable or controlling and abusive-none of which bode well for the success of a relationship . Let us look into the reasons for the same: The woman was raised by an imbecile father who was emotionally distant OR she was raised by an abusive father The woman's father was never truly intimate She learnt never to rely on another man She subconsciously chose men who were only peripherally present but emotionally absent and were not after her heart because they felt familiar due to subconscious programming She suffered from the 'father wound' which is basically a deep wound due to a father who emotionally abandoned her by being distant/abusive/unavailable Thus...

It manifests itself in following ways : Trolling social media Changing display picture daily Immediately viewing everybody’s status update Incessant shopping More than two salon visits per week Over - eating Gossiping Creating drama Blaming boyfriend/partner/husband for not giving attention even though they are attentive Unending restlessness Feeling empty and numb on the inside The above stem from not being self- aware, not   having a sense of purpose or direction in life and looking for something /someone to complete the woman.

  Characteristics of   trauma bonded relationships: A constant pattern of non-performance — your partner promises you things, but keeps behaving to the contrary. Others are disturbed by something that is said or done to you in your relationship, but you brush it off. You feel stuck in the relationship because you see no way out. You keep having the same fights with your partner that go round in circles with no real winner. You're punished or given the silent treatment by your partner when you say or do something "wrong." You feel unable to detach from your relationship even though you don't truly trust or even like the person you're in it with. When you try and leave, you are plagued by such longing to get back with your partner you feel it might destroy you        Key reasons for staying in trauma bonded relationships: Addictive quality It's a bit like becoming addicted to a drug. A psychologically abusive relationship is a rol...

Codependence is oftentimes rooted in the feeling of inadequacy which stems of being shamed due to parental abandonment and neglect during childhood. Codependents in recovery learn to move past the shame of abandonment into enhanced self love.However, during this period, it is easy to backslide into old patterns of trying to rescue people, giving self up for crumbs of connection,allowing others to trample own boundaries, stalking exes on social media and so on. The following are some of the ways to deal with the triggers when they push you back into the old behaviors Practicing mindfulness Feeling the feelings and identifying them Repeatedly repeating the “I am enough” mantra Journaling painful feelings when they arise Finding yourself a support group like CODA a In addition to the above mentioned tips, one must also practice both physical and emotional self care help a recovering codependent stay sober.

Trauma is created when we internalize memories of unpleasant incidences and store them subconsciously.These memories, while latent,stay stored in our body and manifest in the following ways: Nightmares Waking up in a cold sweat Body hardening /becoming tense at touch (for victims of physical abuse) Difficulty trusting others A closed off vibe when meeting new people Confusion, difficulty concentrating Anger, irritability, mood swings Anxiety and fear Guilt, shame, self-blame Withdrawing from others Feeling sad or hopeless Feeling disconnected or numb Being startled easily Difficulty concentrating Racing heartbeat Edginess and agitation Aches and pains Muscle tension

Comparing oneself to others Feeling threatened by the competence of others Gossiping about others Judgement of others to elevate self The above are some of the behaviors that insecure people indulge in repeatedly.They feel anxious, nervous and inadequate about themselves for most part.Many have tried stopping these behaviors but have been unable to do so. One needs to understand that insecure parents have indulged in the very same behaviors around you since childhood and you emulated them.They had no sense of worth, lived through your achievements and expected you to look and dress a particular way so that they are (falsely) uplifted by the praise coming their way via you. You have also been made to believe that you are your achievements/behavior by your parents which is where the comparisons and obsessive need to achieve stems from.Further, being compared with other children and being shamed for inadequacies you have has led to deep rooted self doubt. ...

We often hear that people enter therapy for recovery from addiction or repeating harmful patterns and heal temporarily. After staying clean for 2-3 months they again relapse into old behaviors. The main reason for the relapse is pseudo recovery. What this means is that sometimes in a fit of exasperation people decide that they want to change but the underlying issues are not fully fixed; hence when the inner pain from issues crops up again, the behaviors relapse. In order to have permanent recovery, the following steps will have to be taken a)        Hitting true bottom-There comes a day when a person decides they can’t live this way anymore and will do what it takes to change and then stay recovered. This is called true bottom. b)       Addressing underlying issues-All harmful behaviors stem from unhealed emotional wounds and emotional pain/adaptation from childhood. They must be resolved and fixed . c)   ...

The following are main characteristics of good therapy and differentiate it from substandard one a)Good therapy is not friendship The therapist is supposed to be a person to understand you and where you’re coming from , spot your issues and suggest methods to change also hand holding while you change.They are supposed to point out when you’re backsliding and be direct with you.You are not supposed to get   so comfortable around a therapist the way you would around a friend that you stop taking them seriously. b)A good therapist does not over-promise or judge Many therapists claim to overhaul your entire life in a week and silently judge the client for any inherent foibles.Good therapists base micro-goals for clients on their current situation and create a safe space for them to open up without any judgement c) Good therapy models accurate timely feedback and   change is progressive There are people who spend years in therapy without making progress w...

“What will the neighbors think if they come to know I’m in therapy?” “I am suicidal but how can I go to a shrink?Nobody in m family ever has”. “What if my mother comes to know I am abusing weed if the therapist’s office calls?” “I am not crazy, why should I go a therapist?” “It is so darn costly to go to one.This will sort itself out on its own!” “I am good enough the way I am.So what if I’m addicted to porn and my marriage is falling apart , its not that lethal an addiction.I can stop anytime and don’t need that psychobabble”. These are some of the common reservations /stigmas/false stories one tells self before entering therapy. Therapy is not just for serious mental illness like schizophrenia or bipolar but is very useful in changing deeply ingrained patterns ,healing emotional wounds, understanding origin of trauma and healing it, stopping backsliding and leading an emotionally healthy life. Things therapy can help deal with include childhood emotional abuse,trau...

          My mother is a narcissist          My father is alcoholic abusive          My parents fucked up my entire childhood by fighting all the time           My sister is an emotional vampire           My mother-in-law is trying to run our lives           My brother and his wife are invasive The above points are some of the common complaints by people who are appalled at their family and resent/hate them for the misery their parents caused them during childhood. They blame all current life problems on inner emotional wounds created during childhood.Some people are so mad at their parents and siblings that they consider cutting all ties.Others tolerate/put up with their behaviors out of the need to be polite but are resentful of the spewing toxicity nevertheless. What then must one do-cut all ties or s...

A person’s character, relationship style and behavior in interpersonal associations is a cumulative of behaviors learnt while adapting to family of origin. Hence, when someone says “This is how I am”, they are usually unaware of the fact that “how they are” is nothing but a bunch of their defenses and behaviors learnt during childhood which were useful in navigating/surviving/adapting to the family of origin. If you observe the above line carefully, you will realize that I’ve used the word “survive” and “adapt” thus implying that the behaviors were situational and are extending into present time.The behaviors were needed and required to protect our core self/survive /lessen the inner pain in childhood.They merely solidified into adult relationship style and character as time passed.Many of these behaviors serve no purpose in adulthood and create pain and misery.They can be shed and character can be reshaped. Let us understand how with the help of a short story. This is...

·          The desperate pursuer ·          The commitment phobe ·          The codependent ·          The distancer ·          The manipulative love demander ·          The emotionally shut off sex addict ·          The grandiose lover chasing only models These are some of the avatars people we meet seem to be adorning when we meet them .The distancer is usually chased by the pursuer and the commitment phobe is never able to emotionally commit despite wanting intimacy. Why do people have such disparate behaviours in the love realm when love is just a four letter word?Why does the pursuer desperately and anxiously pursue unavailable people?Why must the distancer run from intimacy?Why can ...

Co-dependence is a dis-ease in which individuals build a fantasy of a knight in shining armour or beautiful damsel rescuing them from their childhood woes and miseries. These individuals usually come from abusive families wherein they were shamed into believing they are less than adequate by their parents when they neglected them or abandoned them.They do not believe they are “ enough” in themselves and often look for someone rescue them. They exchange favors, money, their kindness, their body and their time to feel crumbs of connection oftentimes with toxic individuals who also take advantage of them. They are empathetic and giving and often taken advantage of by narcissists and toxic people.Despite ,misery, they stick around in horrible relationships . Oftentimes, they build a fantasy around a person they like and want or expect them to be a specific way and love them in a way they were not loved in childhood.When the mask falls and the person turns out to be otherwi...

“Guilt says I made a mistake Shame says I’m a mistake” Toxic Shame is a neurotic, irrational feeling of worthlessness, humiliation, self- loathing and paralyzing feeling that has been inflicted onto an individual through repeated, traumatic experiences often, but not always, rooted in childhood.It is mainly created by primary caregivers consciously or unconsciously shaming the child into believing he/she is worthless. Toxic shame is carries well into adulthood and impacts work, career,friendships,relationships and success.It never allows you  feeling fulfilled and whole.Its not right, you’re a mistake,something is wrong.Toxic shame feels hopeless like there is no way back. To heal from toxic shame, one must come out of hiding. This involves pain and risk, but it’s the only solution that has hope of healing. We cannot heal our internalized shame until we externalize it,until we expose out true self and our feelings. John Bradshaw, who did the seminal work on healing to...

The first meeting Fleeting glances Smiles and laughter Diner dates Walks on the beach Commitment Moving in together Disagreements Non-matching intimacy requirements Fights Explosive fights Quest for peace Breakup Zen meditation class Temporary peace Same patterns in next relationship(s) This is how relationships typically pan out and thereafter one wonders why each of my relationships followed the same course-same type of partner, same reasons for incompatibility ,same kinds of endings. The answer to this lies in wiring in childhood. In our development phases as children, we observe our immediate caregivers and our parents marriage is the first model for what a marriage looks like. What also matters is the quality of our relationship with opposite sex parent-it models our subsequent interactions with members of the opposite sex. If our opposite sex parent was abusive, we wow to ourselves never to be with someone like that. However, if we look back at our relat...

Excessive drinking Porn addiction Sex addiction Over-eating Excessive exercising Workaholism/over achievement  till the point of dropping with exhaustion The above are some of the examples of overdoing some of the activities that people do.Everyone overeats or excessively works sometimes but constantly engaging in these excesses is detrimental to the body.It results in overweight,no time for self and breaking down from exhaustion.Furthermore, if a person has a porn or sex addiction it can lead to the demise of relationship with partner and also lead to fear or inability to feel intimacy. It is hence necessary to check and see where these excesses stem from , what our body and subconscious is trying to tell us via them and what we can do to heal. Let us divide the excesses into two categories 1.Addictions-Food and alcohol,porn, sex 2.Subtle "addictions" -Workaholism, over exercise Before we proceed a notch higher, we must understand that all our actions, ...

“You do something wonderful,and chase it all away Mixing my emotions throws me back again Hanging on the wire,I’m waiting for the change I’m cruising through the fire,just to catch a flame And feel again”                                                                -Paul Weller in ‘You do something to me’ Take a hypothetical situation where a man gets into a new relationship with a girl he very much likes. Everything is amazing-she is faithful and devoted and the relationship is progressing at a decent pace It reaches a stage where he comes  very close to the girl emotionally and his past fears come back. Imagine a 7 year old  child whose house caught fire, he got burnt badly, rescued by fire fighters and hospitalized for a month .When he returns home to the now re-modeled house ,he is afraid of anything ...

Loneliness: You sleep all day and stay up all night You spend most of the time alone You avoid the company of people You have no actual,reliable friends Accountability and commitment: You avoid taking responsibility for your actions You have emotional pain from the past that you’ve not fixed You use numbing tactics like alcohol, drugs and porn to deflect the past pain You do not like to make commitments to yourself or others because they require follow through You do not like accountability You avoid those who challenge you or insist you change for better You get triggered and howl if your comfort zone changes even slightly You have difficulty following through You do not like your life or schedule getting disrupted and at the same time wonder why you’ve stayed stuck and small You make grand plans for work in your mind but your follow through is inconsistent and less than 5%    Commitment to self : You only eat two...