A person’s character, relationship style and behavior in
interpersonal associations is a cumulative of behaviors learnt while adapting
to family of origin.
Hence, when someone says “This is how I am”, they are
usually unaware of the fact that “how they are” is nothing but a bunch of their
defenses and behaviors learnt during childhood which were useful in navigating/surviving/adapting
to the family of origin.
If you observe the above line carefully, you will realize
that I’ve used the word “survive” and “adapt” thus implying that the behaviors
were situational and are extending into present time.The behaviors were needed
and required to protect our core self/survive /lessen the inner pain in
childhood.They merely solidified into adult relationship style and character as
time passed.Many of these behaviors serve no purpose in adulthood and create
pain and misery.They can be shed and character can be reshaped.
Let us understand how with the help of a short story.
This is the story of a 42 year old American man named Rick
who has been divorced a year back and is now remarried recently.His father
abandoned his family when he was 7 and often told him he was the curse from the
devil upto age 7 whenever he was naughty or broke rules.His family of origin
was fundamentalist Christian and extremely religious.
He was raised Christian by his single mother ,was eldest of
four siblings and matured faster than kids his age.He, however, internalized
the shame of his fathers’s departure and blamed self for it, told himself he
was defective repeatedly in his growing up years and held himself to extremely
rigid standards by adopting a perfectionist stance for both himself and others .He
used religion as a moral code for life.
Later he married a woman who was meek and cowardly but acted
like her father as against partner-lecturing, dismissing and overtly critical
just like he was to himself.After a decade of misery, his wife left him .The
divorce re-instated the message of worthlessness and shame which were the same
ones as experienced in childhood when dad left.
He needed to escape this deep pain and found himself the
lowest hanging fruit in terms of a mate-an overweight,financially dependent
woman with self -worth issues who needed an emotional crutch.While his core
wanted love , the only way he got closest to it was via physical intimacy (for
which he needed to be married due to his religion).He repeated the same
patterns with his new wife as soon as the honeymoon phase was over and 9 months
later ,she,despite her low self -esteem, spends a significant amount of time
away from him at her sisters.
He is miserable again at the prospect of losing her.What
must he do?Can he change?
The answer is yes, he can change but must be willing to do
deep inner work .Let us see the blueprint of the same.
Step 1-Understanding
the situation
He must understand that his fathers abandon was not his
fault and he is not flawed or bad in himself
Step 2-Undestanding
the defenses
He must understand that he used perfectionism and religion as
defenses to protect his child self from deep inner pain and shame .
Step 3-Shame
detoxification
He must drop the shame because it does not serve him any
purpose
Step 4-Healing
abandonment
He must understand that he has it in himself to take loving
care of himself and meet his emotional needs as an adult and does not need
defenses anymore.He must then drop them.
Step 5-Feeling the
feelings
Once the defenses are gone, the true core feelings can surface
which help one bond and nurture .
If he practices above points with help of a counselor, he will
be able to change the way he relates both to self and people.Thus, his “character”
( made up of defenses) which was seemingly fixed is now not fixed anymore but
is subject to change.It merely served the purpose of protecting him in his
childhood and can be evolved into a better self which serves him well in the
present .
Thus,character is made up of defenses adopted in childhood
and is plastic.
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