TransformYourLife

          My mother is a narcissist          My father is alcoholic abusive          My parents fucked up my entire childhood by fighting all the time           My sister is an emotional vampire           My mother-in-law is trying to run our lives           My brother and his wife are invasive The above points are some of the common complaints by people who are appalled at their family and resent/hate them for the misery their parents caused them during childhood. They blame all current life problems on inner emotional wounds created during childhood.Some people are so mad at their parents and siblings that they consider cutting all ties.Others tolerate/put up with their behaviors out of the need to be polite but are resentful of the spewing toxicity nevertheless. What then must one do-cut all ties or s...

A person’s character, relationship style and behavior in interpersonal associations is a cumulative of behaviors learnt while adapting to family of origin. Hence, when someone says “This is how I am”, they are usually unaware of the fact that “how they are” is nothing but a bunch of their defenses and behaviors learnt during childhood which were useful in navigating/surviving/adapting to the family of origin. If you observe the above line carefully, you will realize that I’ve used the word “survive” and “adapt” thus implying that the behaviors were situational and are extending into present time.The behaviors were needed and required to protect our core self/survive /lessen the inner pain in childhood.They merely solidified into adult relationship style and character as time passed.Many of these behaviors serve no purpose in adulthood and create pain and misery.They can be shed and character can be reshaped. Let us understand how with the help of a short story. This is...

·          The desperate pursuer ·          The commitment phobe ·          The codependent ·          The distancer ·          The manipulative love demander ·          The emotionally shut off sex addict ·          The grandiose lover chasing only models These are some of the avatars people we meet seem to be adorning when we meet them .The distancer is usually chased by the pursuer and the commitment phobe is never able to emotionally commit despite wanting intimacy. Why do people have such disparate behaviours in the love realm when love is just a four letter word?Why does the pursuer desperately and anxiously pursue unavailable people?Why must the distancer run from intimacy?Why can ...

Co-dependence is a dis-ease in which individuals build a fantasy of a knight in shining armour or beautiful damsel rescuing them from their childhood woes and miseries. These individuals usually come from abusive families wherein they were shamed into believing they are less than adequate by their parents when they neglected them or abandoned them.They do not believe they are “ enough” in themselves and often look for someone rescue them. They exchange favors, money, their kindness, their body and their time to feel crumbs of connection oftentimes with toxic individuals who also take advantage of them. They are empathetic and giving and often taken advantage of by narcissists and toxic people.Despite ,misery, they stick around in horrible relationships . Oftentimes, they build a fantasy around a person they like and want or expect them to be a specific way and love them in a way they were not loved in childhood.When the mask falls and the person turns out to be otherwi...

“Guilt says I made a mistake Shame says I’m a mistake” Toxic Shame is a neurotic, irrational feeling of worthlessness, humiliation, self- loathing and paralyzing feeling that has been inflicted onto an individual through repeated, traumatic experiences often, but not always, rooted in childhood.It is mainly created by primary caregivers consciously or unconsciously shaming the child into believing he/she is worthless. Toxic shame is carries well into adulthood and impacts work, career,friendships,relationships and success.It never allows you  feeling fulfilled and whole.Its not right, you’re a mistake,something is wrong.Toxic shame feels hopeless like there is no way back. To heal from toxic shame, one must come out of hiding. This involves pain and risk, but it’s the only solution that has hope of healing. We cannot heal our internalized shame until we externalize it,until we expose out true self and our feelings. John Bradshaw, who did the seminal work on healing to...