Character and relationship style are plastic

A person’s character, relationship style and behavior in interpersonal associations is a cumulative of behaviors learnt while adapting to family of origin.

Hence, when someone says “This is how I am”, they are usually unaware of the fact that “how they are” is nothing but a bunch of their defenses and behaviors learnt during childhood which were useful in navigating/surviving/adapting to the family of origin.

If you observe the above line carefully, you will realize that I’ve used the word “survive” and “adapt” thus implying that the behaviors were situational and are extending into present time.The behaviors were needed and required to protect our core self/survive /lessen the inner pain in childhood.They merely solidified into adult relationship style and character as time passed.Many of these behaviors serve no purpose in adulthood and create pain and misery.They can be shed and character can be reshaped.

Let us understand how with the help of a short story.

This is the story of a 42 year old American man named Rick who has been divorced a year back and is now remarried recently.His father abandoned his family when he was 7 and often told him he was the curse from the devil upto age 7 whenever he was naughty or broke rules.His family of origin was fundamentalist Christian and extremely religious.

He was raised Christian by his single mother ,was eldest of four siblings and matured faster than kids his age.He, however, internalized the shame of his fathers’s departure and blamed self for it, told himself he was defective repeatedly in his growing up years and held himself to extremely rigid standards by adopting a perfectionist stance for both himself and others .He used religion as a moral code for life.

Later he married a woman who was meek and cowardly but acted like her father as against partner-lecturing, dismissing and overtly critical just like he was to himself.After a decade of misery, his wife left him .The divorce re-instated the message of worthlessness and shame which were the same ones as experienced in childhood when dad left.

He needed to escape this deep pain and found himself the lowest hanging fruit in terms of a mate-an overweight,financially dependent woman with self -worth issues who needed an emotional crutch.While his core wanted love , the only way he got closest to it was via physical intimacy (for which he needed to be married due to his religion).He repeated the same patterns with his new wife as soon as the honeymoon phase was over and 9 months later ,she,despite her low self -esteem, spends a significant amount of time away from him at her sisters.

He is miserable again at the prospect of losing her.What must he do?Can he change?

The answer is yes, he can change but must be willing to do deep inner work .Let us see the blueprint of the same.

Step 1-Understanding the situation

He must understand that his fathers abandon was not his fault and he is not flawed or bad in himself

Step 2-Undestanding the defenses

He must understand that he used perfectionism and religion as defenses to protect his child self from deep inner pain and shame .

Step 3-Shame detoxification

He must drop the shame because it does not serve him any purpose

Step 4-Healing abandonment

He must understand that he has it in himself to take loving care of himself and meet his emotional needs as an adult and does not need defenses anymore.He must then drop them.

Step 5-Feeling the feelings

Once the defenses are gone, the true core feelings can surface which help one bond and nurture .

If he practices above points with help of a counselor, he will be able to change the way he relates both to self and people.Thus, his “character” ( made up of defenses) which was seemingly fixed is now not fixed anymore but is subject to change.It merely served the purpose of protecting him in his childhood and can be evolved into a better self which serves him well in the present .

Thus,character is made up of defenses adopted in childhood and is plastic.