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The desperate pursuer
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The commitment phobe
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The codependent
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The distancer
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The manipulative love demander
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The emotionally shut off sex addict
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The grandiose lover chasing only models
These are some of the avatars people we meet seem to be
adorning when we meet them .The distancer is usually chased by the pursuer and the
commitment phobe is never able to emotionally commit despite wanting intimacy.
Why do people have such disparate behaviours in the love
realm when love is just a four letter word?Why does the pursuer desperately and
anxiously pursue unavailable people?Why must the distancer run from intimacy?Why
can some people never commit despite seeking love and nurturance?
A large part of the answers to these questions will get
answered in the following piece on attachment theory.
Attachment theory implies that our blueprint for all adult attachment-including
that to friends,colleagues ,children and lovers gets laid in early childhood
upto age 6 and the then solidifies in next years.By the end of teenage, unless
one works towards change, the blueprint is set for life.
There are three main types of attachment:
1.Anxious
2.Avoidant
a)Fearful avoidant
b)Dismissive avoidant
3.Secure
Let us look at each of these in brief one by one
1.Anxious attachment
Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious
attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real
love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional neediness.
They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue ,validate or complete
them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to
their partner,being made to feel loved does not provide the security.
Even though anxiously attached individuals act desperate or
insecure, , their behavior multiplies their own fears. When they feel unsure of
their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become
clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. They may also interpret
independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. They stalk
,cling to their partners and demand constant proof of love and sustainability
in the relationship.They stay in abusive , less than satisfying relationships
and enable their toxic partners from fear of abandonment.
Basis of blueprint:Being
abandoned ,shamed and neglected in childhood, seeking a knight in shining armor
to rescue from the self-abandon and lovelessness they feel in their core.
The way out:Moving
towards secure attachment via enhanced self -love ,boundary development and
healing fear of abandonment.
Fearful Avoidant
Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an
ambivalent state, in which they are afraid of being both too close to or too
distant from others. They attempt to
keep their feelings at bay but are unable to. They can’t just avoid their
anxiety or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their
reactions and often experience emotional storms. They tend to be mixed up or
unpredictable in their moods. They see their relationships from the working
model that you need to go toward others to get your needs met, but if you get
close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go
to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to. As a
result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others.
As adults, these individuals tend to find themselves in
rocky or dramatic relationships, with many highs and lows. They often have
fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling
to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are
close. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner. A
person with fearful avoidant attachment may even wind up in an abusive
relationship.
Dismissive
Avoidant Attachment – People with a dismissive avoidant attachment have
the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner. They may
seek isolation and feel “pseudo-independent,” taking on the role of parenting
themselves. They often come off as focused on themselves and may be overly
attending to their creature comforts.
Pseudo-independence is an illusion, as every human being
needs connection. Nevertheless, people with a dismissive avoidant attachment
tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and
detaching easily from them. They are often psychologically defended and have
the ability to shut down emotionally. Even in heated or emotional situations,
they are able to turn off their feelings and not react. For example, if their
partner is distressed and threatens to leave them, they would respond by
saying, “I don’t care.”
They are unable to commit to a partner from the fear of
engulfment ,prefer casual encounters devoid of intimacy and rarely have close
friends.They are easily able to detach from partner should the relationship end.
Both types of avoidants often live in their head, have
difficulty feeling their feelings and resort to various addictions to self-
medicate the pain of inner emotional abandon and loneliness.
Basis of blueprint:Being
rejected ,shamed and neglected in childhood,having caregivers who are
narcissistic and abusive or warm one moment and critical the other, having had
to become self sufficient in early childhood ,being raised by adults whose
actions are generally untrustworthy towards a child seeking comfort,being made
a surrogate spouse which led to enmeshment
The way out-moving
towards secure attachment by feeling the feelings,letting go of false beliefs
about being trapped , enforcing boundaries when fear of being engulfed arises
and moving towards individuation
Secure attachment
Secure Attachment
– Securely attached adults tend to be more satisfied in their relationships.
Children with a secure attachment see their parent as a secure base from which
they can venture out and independently explore the world. A secure adult has a
similar relationship with their romantic partner, feeling secure and connected,
while allowing themselves and their partner to move freely.
Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed.
They also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled.
Their relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling
independent, yet loving toward each other. Securely attached couples don’t tend
to engage in what is described as a “Fantasy Bond,” an illusion of connection
that provides a false sense of safety. In a fantasy bond, a couple foregoes
real acts of love for a more routine, emotionally cut-off form of relating.
They can indulge in interdependent relationships and move on
should the partner be toxic.They are free from fears of abandonment and
engulfment.
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