Healing toxic shame

“Guilt says I made a mistake

Shame says I’m a mistake”


Toxic Shame is a neurotic, irrational feeling of worthlessness, humiliation, self- loathing and paralyzing feeling that has been inflicted onto an individual through repeated, traumatic experiences often, but not always, rooted in childhood.It is mainly created by primary caregivers consciously or unconsciously shaming the child into believing he/she is worthless.

Toxic shame is carries well into adulthood and impacts work, career,friendships,relationships and success.It never allows you  feeling fulfilled and whole.Its not right, you’re a mistake,something is wrong.Toxic shame feels hopeless like there is no way back.

To heal from toxic shame, one must come out of hiding. This involves pain and risk, but it’s the only solution that has hope of healing. We cannot heal our internalized shame until we externalize it,until we expose out true self and our feelings.


John Bradshaw, who did the seminal work on healing toxic shame, listed the following methods for externalizing:

1) Coming out of hiding by social contact, which means honestly sharing our feelings with significant, trustworthy others.

2) Seeing ourselves mirrored and echoed in the eyes of at least one non-shaming person who is part of our new safe family of affliction. Reestablishing an “interpersonal bridge”.

3) Working a 12 step program.

4) Doing shame reduction work by “legitimizing” our abandonment trauma. We do this by writing and talking about it (debriefing). Writing especially helps to examine the past shaming experiences We can then externalize our feelings about the abandonment. We can express them, clarify them, and connect with them.

5) Externalize our lost inner child. We do this by making conscious contact with the vulnerable child part of ourselves.

6) Learning to recognize various split off parts of ourselves. As we make these parts conscious (externalize them) we can embrace and integrate them.

7) Making new decisions to accept all parts of ourselves with unconditional positive regard. Learning to say: “I love myself because….”

8) Externalize old unconscious memories from the past, which form collages of shame scenes, and learning how to heal them.

9) Doing exercise to externalize our self-image and change it.

10) Externalizing the voice in our heads. These voices keep our shame spirals in operation. Replacing these with new nurturing and positive voices.

11) Learning to be aware of certain interpersonal situations most likely to trigger shame spirals.

12) Learning how to deal with critical & shaming people by practicing assertive techniques and by creating an externalization shame anchor.

13) Learning how to handle our mistakes, and having the courage to be imperfect.

14) Finally, learning through meditation to create an inner place of silence wherein we are centered and grounded in a personally valued higher power.