Self-stinging in relationships and healing

“You do something wonderful,and chase it all away
Mixing my emotions throws me back again
Hanging on the wire,I’m waiting for the change
I’m cruising through the fire,just to catch a flame
And feel again”
               
                                               -Paul Weller in ‘You do something to me’


Take a hypothetical situation where a man gets into a new relationship with a girl he very much likes. Everything is amazing-she is faithful and devoted and the relationship is progressing at a decent pace It reaches a stage where he comes  very close to the girl emotionally and his past fears come back.

Imagine a 7 year old  child whose house caught fire, he got burnt badly, rescued by fire fighters and hospitalized for a month .When he returns home to the now re-modeled house ,he is afraid of anything that can cause fire –candle, matchstick  ,cooking gas etc and avoids going close to all these.

On a cold winter night, his parents light the a fire in the fireplace .The embers are glowing and the child is relaxing on the couch in his mothers arms. After an hour the house is warm and cosy and the child is enjoying the comfort and warmth the fire brought along .He is staring hard at the embers, thinking they might bring about another fire which will cause destruction like last time and it will hurt like hell to get burnt again .The past fears come back full force and he starts yelling ‘Take me away from this house’ and storms out of the front door.

His parents run after him but he runs faster till he gets to the garden where it is stone cold and he shivers. His parents reassure him its going to be all right and there will be no fire but he refuses to come inside .He chooses to spend the night  in the out house ,cold and lonely but safe instead of warm and burnt and pushes his parents away till they are forced to let him be. This continues for days on end.

He does go inside sometimes by himself  because he misses moms embrace and the warmth of glowing embers but runs to the outhouse on each of his self initiated visits, back to the cold yet safe place.

Mother leaves food and a little letter saying ‘he can come in today, its all safe’ on the outhouse door everyday which he does read but doesn’t quite believe, though he wants to.

Now coming back to the man in the first paragraph,his fears of past hurts in relationships/betrayal  come back and his knee jerk is to does the following:

Pushing the girl away and getting her to leave before she leaves me.
For this he starts erratic and weird behavior like ignoring her,not replying to calls and messages, telling her to go away and leave him alone,hiding, saying you will get hurt and treating her like dirt on purpose.The rationale is that due to this she should leave me and I will again be alone yet emotionally safe than hurt and sorry.Also,I want to control the outcome of things so I know this will happen.

OR

He makes random contacts with the girl when he needs emotional support but backs off after each episode of emotional intimacy.An approach-avoid cycle.

The girl leaves  and then the man cries bitter tears of loneliness and anguish as he misses the emotional support she used to provide. He thinks he is stinging her but he ends up stinging himself .The pain of separation that he was trying to prevent by these he experiences nevertheless.

What he actually wants is for the girl to stay through all this even when he is a fucked up mess and show him the right path being patient and kind with him.


How can he heal himself

Step 1-Accept,don’t deny

• Accept that he has a problem with intimacy and let his partner know of this as well.
• Accept the fact that not every relationship ends badly.
• Accept the fact that the past is hampering his present love from becoming seamless and fantastic.
• Accept the fact that his behavior is hurting his partners emotions because she is trying to love him seamlessly.

**Partner has to be patient,kind and supportive and let him know he is loved for who he is.


Step 2-Reflect and decide with determination to heal self

• Make ‘changing for better’ and healing a priority.

Step 3-Implementation with support of partner and loved ones

• Learn to differentiate between ‘those who care’ and ‘those who don’t’ and let the ones who care into his life.
• Remove self-constructed roadblocks
• Allow his partner to take care of him.
• Spend time communicating and bonding with partner daily basis because there is no better cure than to feel loved on a sustained basis.
• Rinse repeat till cured and even after that.