Fear of engulfment is the fear of getting controlled by
partner or losing yourself in the relationship.It is a very strong fear of
being swallowed by the partner and makes one run for the hills.The individual
with this fear hence completely avoids relationships sometimes or is unable to
sustain them and runs each time things begin to heat up.
This fear is actually a fear of rejection .Due to this fear
the individual gives too much in the early phases of the relationship so that
they can please their partner and to ensure their partner likes them.They take
responsibility for their partners feelings and want to make sure the partner
stays happy and does not reject them.But this too much giving from the fear of
rejection makes them feel trapped.
The solution to this is to develop stronger boundaries, not
take rejection personally and religiously practice inner bonding to develop a
very strong sense of adult self.
Let us see examples in of a person named Raymond who is 44
years old and has not been able to hold a relationship due to fear of
engulfment .He meets a therapist who suggests inner bonding and boundary
development along with putting himself first to avoid feeling engulfed .
The following example demonstrates it
Raymond has been practicing inner bonding over the last 3
months.He has decided to give dating a try and signs up on tinder .He decides
to go on a coffee date with a woman whom he has been talking to for 1.5 months
.They decide to meet at a café at 5 pm on the following Saturday.She confirms
the date on Friday evening as well.
He shows up at the café in time and waits for her.30 mins
pass and she does not show up.He tries texting her but the texts show single
tick.He waits there for 1.5 hour but then decides to leave.
He got rejected when the woman did not show up.However, he
did not take her behavior personally and instead focused on taking loving care of
himself in the given moment.
Raymond’s behaviours in a similar situation prior to
practicing inner bonding would have been as follows
- Obsessing over the rejection
- Going to the dating site and trying to see if she has had any recent activity
- Analyzing his conversations with the woman over 1.5 month and checking to see if he pissed her off at any point in time and then planning to apologize about it
- Taking the rejection personally –thinking he is inadequate and hence got rejected
- Seeking immediate artificial attention from other females online-if any of these don’t respond favorably then feeling despondent and questioning his attractiveness
- Indulging in quick relief providing behaviors like cyber sex or a hookup from an adult site only to feel empty thereafter
Raymond’s behaviors post practicing inner bonding
- Not taking the rejection personally or letting it dent his self worth
- Not taking responsibility for the woman's actions or feelings- being clear about the fact that she did not show up and that is her problem
- Focusing on his own needs at caring about himself-he ordered himself a fruit salad since he was hungry.Thereafter he called up his friends to check if they were free and decided to meet them for a diner.Thus he did things which he enjoyed without letting the event trigger him.
- He refrained from reckless behaviors and continued to love himself no matter what happened .
Example 2
Raymond has been a kind hearted and giving individual .He
gave too much before he started practicing inner bonding However, things
changed later .Here is how.
Raymond had just returned from a business trip .It was 9 pm and he was extremely tired and hungry.That’s when one of his female friends texted him that she was getting divorced and was feeling horrible and needed to meet immediately to vent.
Raymond told her he can’t come right now but they can meet
the next day.She said he does not understand her feelings and was hopeless and
that she would want to end the friendship.Raymond calmly told her again he can
meet the next day to which she then agreed.
In the moment he did not bend backwards or lose himself
trying to please her.He did not worry about rejection from her ending the
friendship either.He had a hot bath,cooked himself soup and ate fruit .He slept
thereafter since he was tired.
The next day he met her and listened to her empathetically
and shared some tips on how she can deal with pain .She said she felt better.He
felt drained though.She wanted to meet 2 times per week.He told her he has
shared all he had to and would not be meeting her this often.He would however
be happy to stay connected on phone and meet sometimes for coffee or some
shared activity .He spoke his truth without taking responsibility for her
feelings.He did not lie and say he is busy and hence won’t meet.
She agreed.
This is how inner bonding helped him navigate his associations
w/o losing himself.
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